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Archive for June, 2010

No one can ever say my grandfather wasn’t a meticulous man.

Sure, his truck may have resembled something from the Clampett’s backyard from all the fences he rear-ended, and his basement may have been littered with parts from various items he bought just to put back together but didn’t know how.

But whatever Pop lacked in organization during his living years, he certainly made up for in death.

After my grandfather died, my family came across a tattered piece of looseleaf while we were digging out the will. Scribbled on the paper was a set of directions outlining exactly how his funeral was to take place, dictating everything from hymns and prayers to a gospel song by Elvis that would play as mourners walked into the chapel.

But what struck my family as odd was not that he requested Elvis to be played at his funeral, but that the man (who, we discovered, owned half a dozen burial plots throughout the province, from the days when they sold those things door to door) would have such an oft-overlooked thing planned out to a T.

But that was my grandfather: completely unexpected. One Thanksgiving, he went on in detail about how festive pumpkin pie was for that time of year, then loudly proclaimed that he wanted the apple variety.

His ridiculous humour and sense of adventure stayed with him long after his body and mind would allow it. If I close my eyes long enough, I can still hear the sound of him laughing. It never changed, no matter how much he did.

He passed that humour on to my dad, and I like to think I’ve got some of it too.

But to paint him as a funny man undermines the dozens of other qualities my grandfather possessed. He was an avid lover of music, and took pride in owning one of the largest antique radio collections on PEI. He had a deep respect for nature, something else that made its way into me.

But what my grandfather possessed that I’ll never be able to mirror was an incredibly large appetite. As much as my grandmother loved to cook food, Pop loved to eat it, and in large quantities.

Like I said, Elvis was King in my grandfather’s house, so when I came across this recipe for Elvis’ favourite snack in a Nigella Lawson cookbook, I had to make it. I’ve made a few alterations, mainly adding more bananas and substituting margarine for butter; I found the butter too salty and it overpowered the sandwich.

I also made the recipe for two sandwiches; trust me, you’re going to want more than one.

Tools

small mixing bowl
fork
toaster
frying pan
measuring spoons
spatula
knife

Ingredients

2-3 large ripe bananas
4 slices of bread
4 tablespoons peanut butter
a few tablespoons of margarine

Instructions

In a small bowl, mash peeled and chopped bananas with a fork. Toast bread until golden brown, then spread peanut butter on two slices. Pour mashed bananas evenly on remaining two pieces of toast.

Heat frying pan and add a couple tablespoons of margarine. Sandwich one of each peanut butter slice with matching banana slice and place in frying pan.

Grill on medium heat for about four minutes, then flip once golden. When both sides are done, remove from pan and slice diagonally.

Enjoy!

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The hardest thing I ever did was bring myself out of depression.

It came on slowly when I was 18. I’d just lost my grandmother that summer, a woman I’d always looked to for comfort and that special feeling of home. It left me with the uncontrollable sense that a part of me was being ripped away without my permission, and my natural need for control was being tested in a way I’d never experienced before.

I cried a lot during those first few months, desperately trying to come to terms with this new twist in my life, but my mind refused to accept it, and I was left in a permanent state of denial.

I noticed the physical signs first: the circles under my eyes seemed a bit darker, and my body never wanted to get out of bed. Then my thoughts started getting less and less like my own. I began to hate myself, for this screwed up person I was becoming and the spoiled, unappreciative person I had been.

After two years of allowing depression to flatline my life, I got the sudden inspiration to do something about it. I went off the pills I had depended on to get me through the days. They were a crutch, a useless obstacle in the way of my own awakening, and I knew that if I was ever to get myself out of this hole, I was going to have to do it all by myself.

Gradually, I got better. My mind became clear, my body was active again, and for the first time in a long while, I felt in control of my own life. I was proud of myself for coming out of something so bleak. I even wrote an article on my experience, and presented it to my peers at an academic conference. My life, my self, was back.

And then depression came back: is coming back, and I can’t even begin to face it. I feel so frustrated, so defeated at having to conquer this thing again that I just keep telling myself that if I don’t think about it, it might go away.

It’s embarrassing, really. Here I am, the girl who gave a presentation on how to get through depression, and I can’t even muster up the gumption to do it myself again.

I stopped cooking, opting to make the same simple dish every night for a week, subsisting off the leftovers in between. I was obsessed with cleaning my apartment, assured that if my surroundings were calm and controlled, maybe my mind would be too.

But other times, I get a glimmer of inspiration, however fleeting it might be, and it forces me to actually do something about myself. I started running again, something I’ve always loved but never allowed myself the time to do. I took up yoga, take long bubble baths, and I’m slowly learning to put work down at the end of the day.

But I still have a hard time getting myself back into the comfort of my kitchen. I have absolutely no desire to do the one thing I absolutely love doing, and it hurts that I can’t seem to find the willpower to force myself out of this rut and bake some damn cookies.

About a week ago, I was browsing through a little tin box of recipes my uncle gave me for graduating. I call them The Vault: dozens of ancient little recipe cards with my grandmother’s signature cursive writing scrawled in between the lines, detailing the ingredients to her favourite dishes.

It was the best gift anyone’s ever given me, another link bringing me closer to my grandmother. When I’m sad or lonely, sometimes I bring the two hinged boxes out from their home on my kitchen hutch, and I’ll just smell them, taking in the aromas of my grandmother and her cluttered little kitchen.

I came across a recipe for rhubarb upside-down cake among the cards, which was surprisingly coincidental given my dad had rooted up a handful of his homegrown rhubarb stalks and stuffed them in my trunk last time I was home.

And so I took out the blue recipe card and started baking. And as I baked, I could picture my grandmother doing the same motions as me, cutting the rhubarb, mixing the sugar sauce and carefully arranging it in a glass baking pan. She was there for me, and for the first time since I lost myself again, I knew that I was going to be okay.

Tools

small saucepan
wooden spoon
measuring cups
measuring spoons
9 inch baking pan
colander
2 mixing bowls
whisk
lemon zester or cheese grater
pastry cutter

Ingredients

1/4 cup butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon orange juice
6 cups rhubarb
1 cup sliced strawberries (optional)
2 cups flour
3/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar
1/3 cup butter
1 beaten egg

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Farhenheit. Melt 1/4 cup butter in saucepan. Stir in brown sugar and orange juice. Mix until smooth, then pour into bottom of baking pan. Chop rhubarb into small slices and wash in colander. Wash strawberries and cut into thin slices. Arrange rhubarb on top of brown sugar mixture. Top with strawberries. Combine flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Add orange rind and mix again. Cut in 1/3 cup butter until mixture resembles bread crumbs. In separate bowl, beat egg and whisk together with milk. Add to flour mixture and stir until combined. Spread batter over rhubarb. Bake until cake springs back when pressed lightly, about 35 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool for five minutes.

Enjoy!

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