I’ve walked down these streets a hundred times. They still don’t feel like home.
I’ve found myself in this strange state for the past four and a half years, trying to make a home for myself in a city that feels so strange. I’m carving my own life now, separate from that of my parents and my friends and all the things that are so comfortable to me.
When I was a teenager I wanted nothing more than to have my own life, to be able to start my own existence and call my own place home. Now I’m stuck here in this limbo, clutching to a little girl’s hand but being thrown into the cold arms of an adult.
I still call my parent’s house home, but I know I shouldn’t. There’s a comfort to my old room at home, but I know it’s not quite home anymore. I don’t really know where my home is now.
I still feel like a visitor when I walk the streets of Fredericton. Kind of like I’m on some kind of vacation that never really ends, the way you form a tentative comfort with the summer cottage: you live there, but it’s not your home.
Tonight I got lost in the suburbs, in more ways than one. I looked in their windows and saw big screen TV’s and forfeited dreams. I don’t think I could live there, but then again, who does?
I’m trying to figure out where I belong, but I’m getting lost along the way. I think I over-think things, which is keeping me from coming to terms with growing up. I’m too busy trying to figure out what it means to be an adult to actually become one.
The thing is, I really love Fredericton. I love running along the waterfront, watching the sunset over the river, and the comfort of seeing all the old houses looming over the narrow downtown streets. I’m moving into one of those old houses next month, and while I’m excited for my boyfriend and I to move into our first real apartment, it scares me nonetheless. Am I ready to be an adult? Do I have any choice?
3 ripe bananas
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup butter
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Place muffin cups in muffin tin. Mix together flour, baking powder, soda, and salt. Cream butter and sugar, then add egg. Mash bananas with a fork, then add egg mixture and stir.
Blend dry ingredients into banana mixture. Pour into muffin tin and bake for 15-20 minutes, reducing temperature to 325 degrees Fahrenheit after the first five minutes. Muffins are ready when a toothpick comes out clean when inserted.